BIGFOOT NOSE-CANDY RAMPAGE

Nobody knows what Bigfoot actually is, but whatever he is, he's absolutely coked out of his giant furry mind right now. Those haymakers? Arms literally a blur — you won't see them coming, you'll just feel your eyebrows split. He swings from trees like a 900-pound chimp on bath salts, which means every tree in a 50-foot radius is now a projectile aimed at your face. He's been traced in satoshi only and somehow still has better credit than you. His fighting style is 'unhinged wildlife attack' with extra steps. Nobody's ever seen him eat, and nobody wants to know what's in that cooler.